sadness

It's a cold Thursday night and I'm huddled in a staircase of my apartment complex for fear of going home. I told my parents I was going to go catch a movie with a few friends when in reality I was going to a party down the street. Being the rebellious teenager I am, I lied to them, well aware that if I told them where I was truly going, I wouldn't be allowed to go. My only downfall was that my dad saw where I was headed and it wasn't where I told him I was going to go. He called me and told me to go home and I was about to when I saw my mom parking her car; she was just getting home from work. At that moment, I knew I couldn't go home. I'd be in such trouble if I did and I'd get the scolding of a lifetime. So instead, I opted to hide out where I currently am to enjoy this time I have alone and outside before being grounded for the rest of senior year (presumably). Does this make me a coward? (I want to see you face the wrath of an angry Mexican mom). Perhaps, but this isn't why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because while here, I got to thinking about life. In particular, how I got dumped by my crush, who also happened to be the girl I asked to prom. Come to think of it, it was actually around this time last week when it happened. She called me on the phone and broke it off with me. For the sake of integrity, I won't go into the details of why or how it went down or my reaction. Point is, me and her are no longer a "thing".
When she first told me, my tiny, prune-like heart sank like a rock. I was devastated. In part because I no longer had a prom date, but mainly because I haven't felt this way about a girl in a while. That was actually part of my downfall. In short, I was mortified. I was frustrated at myself because I felt as if I caused it to end. After some time with my thoughts and Asking my friends (Based God bless their soul) for support, I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. I shouldn't let her or this situation get me down in the dumps. After all, it's only a high school relationship and there's only about a month of school left before we graduate. After that, I'd be off to college, perhaps never to see her again. So it was for the better.
Or so I thought.
But this time alone, in this cold, cold staircase, made me think. And it got me depressed as hell. I began re-analyzing myself and asking myself why I felt such a way about a girl I barely started seriously "talking" to about a month ago. Maybe it's cause I'm a lonely human being (aren't we all?), dissatisfied with being lonely. I soon came to the realization of why.
It's because she vibed with me. I like her not for the way she dance with my angels, but for the manner in which the sound of her name quells my demons. She kept me company, but more than that, she understood and accepted who I was. And me, being the megalomaniac oddball that I am, found that extremely rare and pleasing. There's very few people, let alone girls, who have seen my flaws yet still liked me. She liked me for me. In such a universe where we feel alienated and alone dispute being surrounded by 7 billion others like us, this was comforting. Alas, I pushed my luck too far and got too comfortable. I constantly pestered her to show emotion and to hang out with me, to no avail. It just wasn't her. She wasn't the type of person to be overly affectionate and she warned me before any of this even started. I continued well aware of this yet still found myself a little frustrated at every denied plea to hangout. I was never mad at her for this, but in retrospect, it was silly of me to be frustrated or mad for something that was an innate personal trait of hers. It would have been the same as Someone getting angry at me for being intelligent, or being cocky. It is who I am and wouldn't change it for anyone. So I found myself asking "why did I expect her to change?" I guess the answer was within me all along. I enjoyed her company because she was so like me and every time I was with her, everything just felt so good, so right. I was at peace and I was happy. More than that, I felt as if I was understood and accepted, something I have long yearned for. I was just so overwhelmed with emotion, with happiness that it led me to push it too far and make more of what me and her had than she would have wanted, Which led to out falling out.
It has been a week. We haven't talked in that period of time.
I can't bring myself to text or talk to her because I feel like any advance I'd make would be unwarranted; that I would come off as annoying. Perhaps I'm right, perhaps not. It's an unfortunate state I am in. I would say hopefully things do get better and we at least start talking as friends again, but hope is futile.
In case you are reading this, just know that I do miss you dearly and I'm sorry for all I've done.

Standoff in the Mojave

Over the course of the past few days, a situation has been unfolding in Mesquite Nevada, where federal agents have been rounding up and seizing rancher Cliven Bundy's cattle. In response, hundreds of armed militia men and states' rights activists came to his support, causing a tense scene in the Mojave desert.

Mesquite, Nevada

The conflict is all over land, where Bundy's family has been letting their cattle graze since the 1870s. What at first may seem like a story of the big bad government trampling on the rights of a poor and defenseless rancher goes much deeper. 

Cliven Bundy

The land where Bundy has been letting his cattle graze is owned and maintained by the Bureau of Land Management (BLM), a part of the federal government. This means it is federal land and the BLM has been leasing the land to let Bundy to let his cattle graze on it. The grazing land, coincidentally, is also the home to the desert tortoise, a federally protected species. Bundy's and other rancher's cattle have posed a threat to the docile tortoises, as they occasionally trample them and destroy their nests. The desert tortoise population in the area have decreased by 90% and the females only breed when they reach an age of 15 years old. Even then, only 2% of the hatch-lings survive, so it is understandable why this is federally-protected land.

Bundy argues that the land where his family's cattle have been grazing on for generations does not belong to the federal government, but rather to the state of Nevada, therefore federal agents have no right to take his cattle. This is where Mr. Bundy is incorrect. 

The treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo that ended the Mexican-American in 1848 gave the United States federal government control of a vast swath of land that was once under Mexican control, including what is now California and Nevada.

Any previous privately-held property in this area would be honored by the United States. However, Bundy stated that his family didn't come into the area until the 1870s, at which point they didn't even bother to buy the land from the federal government. Since then, the Bundy's, as well as other ranchers, have been leasing the land from the federal government in order to let their cattle graze there. Neither Bundy nor his family have ever had a deed to this land nor paid property taxes on it, meaning neither him nor his family have ever owned this land. He even agrees that he was paying the grazing fee. If he had owned the land, he would have had no need to pay these fees.

In 1993, Bundy stopped paying the paltry fee of $1.35 per month per cow-calf pair. Yet he continued to take his cows to graze here illegally and without charge every year for 20 years, at the expense of the American (specifically Nevadian) taxpayer. Bundy argued that since his ancestors have worked the land since the late 19th century, he has rights to the land. Contrary to popular belief, that's not how property works. He is, however, willing to pay the fees-- but only to Clark County (which doesn't own the land) and not to the BLM (which does). Bundy's 20-year hiatus of not paying fees yet continued grazing have racked up a hefty fine of $1.1 million, which is being footed to the taxpayers. 

So the federal government went through the very standard procedure of rounding up Bundy's cattle to prevent him from racking up further fines and decimating more of the tortoise's habitat.

Let's look at this from a much simpler perspective. Let's say that BLM, instead of an agency's acronym, were an individual's initials. Let's say it stood for Billy L. Morton. And instead of grazing land, let's say it was an apartment. So Bundy's family has been living in the apartment some 140 years and for 120 of those years, they've been paying their lease. Billy L. Morton, as the property owner, has every right to not renew the Bundy's lease for whatever reason. Bundy stopped paying his lease and continued to live here and use the services of this apartment, at the expense of the common folk. Now is this in any way fair?

What further goes to show that Bundy has no right graze his cattle there is the fact that there have been two separate federal court rulings telling him to remove his cattle or face getting them confiscated by federal agents. A separate judge also prohibited from interfering in the roundup process. Despite all these warnings over the course of two decades, Bundy refused to heed this warning and is now screaming "TYRANNY!"

This, of course, became a rallying war cry for militia members and supporters of state's rights and they all conveyed on Bundy's ranch. Despite the huge mountains of evidence that Bundy has absolutely no right to this land, many of these radicals will support Bundy simply because he is opposing the federal government, no matter how wrong he is. This has caused great tension in the area and his supporters actually managed to free some of his cattle from federal agents. Federal agents restrained themselves from doing much for fear that this might escalate into violence.

Bundy with supporters

An Interesting Thought

Wow with this post, my blog has reached a major landmark. 

100 Posts!

Appropriate song to play while reading this:

This milestone calls for a celebration!
But considering I do not have the age or money to buy bottles of Dom Perignon, we are going to celebrate in a different manner.
While lurking online on an image board (not that forsaken hell-hole 4-chan), I came across a thread of a guy who lost his buddy to cancer. While the subject itself was rather melancholy, the original poster only wanted to do one thing: to spread positive vibes (referred to as SLAYER in this community) in honor of his buddy. One of the members posted an image that struck me and mad me look at life in a completely different manner. The following text is from the image.

MACBETH ACT 5 READING NOTES

ACT 5: 

• Scene 1: Enter doctor and gentlelady; Doctor is asking when was the last time she saw Lady Macbeth sleepwalk. She responds by telling him that ever since Macbeth went to war, she's been constantly doing this and writing something on paper. 
• Lady Macbeth enters and they hid to watch her. Lady Macbeth makes a motion of washing her hands (perhaps trying to wash away the blood of Duncan from her hands?) 
• Tries to scrub a spot on her hands that refuses to come off. She's also sleep talking to Macbeth it seems, saying that his guilty conscience is going to screw them over. 
• They begin to realize that Lady Macbeth has a deep secret and they heard something they shouldn’t have heard; Lady Macbeth also makes a reference on how Banquo is dead. 
• Doctor says that guilty people often confess to things in their sleep. Says that she needs a priest more than a doctor. 

• Scene 2: Enter Lennox, Caithness, Menteith, and Angus. About to meet up with Malcolm's English forces near Birnam woods. They talk about how Macbeth is fortifying his castle and calling him insane. 
• Also say that Macbeth's men are only fighting to follow orders, not for the love of Macbeth. "Now does he feel His secret murders sticking on his hands," Macbeth is finally getting his just desserts for all his killings. 
• Menteith tries to justify Macbeth's insanity saying that his inner turmoil is the cause of it. They march off Birnam. 
• Scene 3: Macbeth is speaking to the doctor and some attendants. He is extremely cocky saying he does not fear the English forces for it was prophesized that no man born from a woman would be able to defeat him. 
• A pale-faced servant enters and informs Macbeth the English have amounted ten thousand troops. Macbeth essentially disregards this and tells him to leave. 
• Macbeth realizes that he might die but he's like whatever I'm fighting to the death. He tells Seyton to hang anyone who is spreading fear. 
• The doctor tells Macbeth that Lady Macbeth isn't sick, but has been having visions that have prevent her from sleeping. 
• Macbeth tells Seyton to hand him his armor as he is preparing for battle.  
• Scene 4: Enter Malcolm and his posse of men (Lennox, Siward and son, Macduff, Angus, Ross, Menteith, and Caithness) and his troops. 
• Malcolm tells his troops to break off a tree branch and use it to disguise themselves, that way Macbeth's scouts will give him inaccurate information on how much troops they actually have.  
• Malcom also tells his troops that Macbeth's troops are deserting their post and those that do stay aren't fighting with their heart. 
• They move their army forward. 
• Scene 5: Macbeth is still super confident that his fortress will be able to survive the siege; even goes as far to say that if so many of his soldiers had not defected to the other side, he would have been able to beat them back to England. 
• Macbeth hears a scream and says that once that would have startled him but it no longer phases him as worse things are so familiar to him. The scream came from Lady Macbeth (she is dead). 
• Macbeth delivers his "Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow" soliloquy, and seems unphased by the death of his wife, saying it would have happened eventually. Here he is discussing the futility of life and how it lacks meaning. 
• A messenger appears as Macbeth finishes the delivery and warns him that the forest is moving towards the castle. Macbeth, oblivious to Malcolm's plan, doesn't believe it. 
• He tells the messenger that if he's lying, he will hang him from a tree until he starves to death. If he's not lying, he'll do the same, but to himself.  
• Now Macbeth is beginning to lose confidence; the prophecy told him he shouldn't worry until Birnam Woods move to Dunsinane, which it looks like is actually happens.  
• Macbeth has some pretty big cojones because despite the daunting forecast, he is deciding to stay and fight, saying he's tired of living. 
• Scene 6: Malcolm's army is within striking range of Dunsinane so they shed they their folliage disguises to show Macbeth what he's up against. 
• Scene 7: Enter Macbeth and Young Siward during battle; Siward asks what Macbeth's name is and he tells him; they battle and Macbeth kills him, further boosting his ego. 
• Macduff wants to personally kill Macbeth. 
• Old Siward and Malcolm are talking; they took the castle without much of a fight.  
• Scene 8: Macbeth is asking why should he commit suicide so long as he has enemies to kill. 
• Macduff enters.  Macbeth tells him to leave as he already killed his entire family. They fight. Macbeth is still super cocky, because only a man not born of a woman would be able to bring about his downfall. 
• This is where Macduff drops a bombshell: he was delivered via c-section so he wasn't technically born from his mother. 
• This revelation crushes Macbeth's courage and he now refuses to fight Macduff. 
• Macduff tells him to surrender and that they will make a freakshow of him and put him on display for everyone to ridicule and taunt. 
• Macbeth does not like the thought of this and decides to fight to the death because he does not want to kiss the ground in front of Malcolm's feet or be ridiculed by the common folk. They fight. 
• Macbeth's army surrenders and Malcolm, Ross, and Siwald (along with their army) enters. Their victory has cost them very little lives. They notice Macduff is missing. 
• Ross informs Siwald his son died in battle. Siwald asks if his son's wounds were from the front, to which Ross answers yes, leading Siwald to declare his son died a man. 
• Macduff enters with Macbeth's head in hand and hails Malcolm as king.  
• Malcolm gives a short speech, stating that he will repay all of the men for their courageous efforts and that tyranny is over.  

THE END 

MACBETH ACT 1 READING NOTES

• Scene 1: Three witches talking about when they'll reunite; they agree to meet up after the battle. 
• "fair is foul, foul is fair" 
• Scene 2: After the battle, King Duncan enters with his sons (Lennox, Donalbain, and Malcolm) 
• see bloodied Captain, who talks about a ruthless and courageous warrior named Macbeth. 
• They find out the thane of Cawdor is a traitor; the king decides to execute him, his title given to the brave Macbeth. 
• Scene 3: The witches reconvene; Macbeth and Banquo enter and see the witches. He taunts them and says that he wants to believe that they are women but their beards lead him to believe they are men. 
• The Witches respond by hailing him as thane of Glamis (which he currently is), thane of Cawdor (he has not heard the news yet), and future king. 
• Witches also go on and tell Banquo his children will be kings. 
• Macbeth wants to hear more but the witches disappear into thin air. 
• Ross and Angus enter and inform Macbeth of King Duncan's decision to execute the thane of Cawdor and give him the title. Banquo is shocked because the witches' prophecy came true. 
• Macbeth begins to realize that there might be some truth to the witches' prophecy. 
• Scene 4: Duncan formally thanks Macbeth for every  he's done and bestows upon him the title of Thane of Cawdor. 
• Malcolm becomes prince of Cumberland and Macbeth realizes that in order to become king, he must take him out because he's in his way. 
• Scene 5: Lady Macbeth reading letter Macbeth sent her telling her about the witches and their prophecy and how It came true.  
• She tells Macbeth he will become king, but she worries that he is too much of a wimp to actually go through and assert himself and get what he wants. 
• King Duncan is going to be staying at Macbeth's castle. Lady Macbeth tells the spirit to make her remorseless and cruel. 
• Enter Macbeth; Lady Macbeth encourages him to kill Duncan but to look as innocent as a flower.  
• Scene 6: King Duncan finally arrives at Macbeth's castle. 
• Both Macbeth and Lady Macbeth set up a façade of kindness to the King in order to squash any suspicion.  
• Scene 7: Macbeth is contemplating whether to kill Duncan or not; sees a floating dagger pointing towards the King's quarters.  
• Lady Macbeth enters and Macbeth tells her he is having second thoughts about killing Duncan because he just honored him. 
• Lady Macbeth calls him a coward and questions his manhood, so naturally Macbeth needs to prove her wrong. 
• Also says that she would be willing to smash her own infant child's head in if she needed to. (Proves how psychotic and power-hungry Lady Macbeth is). 
• Lady Macbeth tells Macbeth she'll get Duncan's guards super drunk, leaving Duncan vulnerable and then blame his death on them. 
• Macbeth decides he's going to do it.

GOD IS DEAD

This entire weekend I've been at a church retreat in Arroyo Grande for my second year confirmation class.
It was hell.
For those of you who don't know, I am an agnostic. I neither believe nor disbelieve there is a "God", a creator of sorts. Being an agnostic surrounded by fervent Catholics talking about their faith and their love of God and all that made me feel somewhat out of place. That is not to say I don't like Catholics. I treat people of beliefs different than my own the same way they treat me, because in the end, we're all humans composed of the same stuff living on the same planet. But I digress.
The fact that I was an agnostic amongst a group of people who held deeply to the doctrine of the Church, which includes beliefs that the Earth was created with all life forms as is some 6,000 ago over the course of a week by a bearded Wizard in the sky which we cannot prove nor disprove. They also believe this Wizard sent his one and only son down to Earth to die for the sake of our foundation. The logical, rational person inside of me was (and has been) dumbfounded by these beliefs. How can someone be ignorant to the troves of evidence that lifeforms on Earth have evolved over time to adjust to the conditions of their environment?  How can someone  deny  that the universe is 13.798±0.037 billion years and that Earth itself is over 4 billion years old, despite background microwave radiation? These facts have been widely proven and supported by years upon years of research and irrefutable evidence , yet the only foundation that Catholics have for the existence of God is faith. This faith is "supported" by the Bible, a book written thousands of years ago by a bunch of old men. How do they know God exists? Because the Bible said so. How do they know the Bible is true? Because God helped write it. It is this type of circulocutionary logic, coupled with other injustices (such as the treatment of gays, women, and peoples of other faiths) that have led me astray from the faith and made me doubt the existence of God.
This might offend some people, a quite frankly, I don't care. All my life I've had these religious beliefs crammed down my throat in a futile attempt of indoctrination. It's tie for me to say enough is enough and push back. Even in our modern society, atheists and agnostics are somewhat ostracized. Sure, we are no longer stoned for doubting the existence of God like we once were. But there's been plenty of times where I've told people, my friends even, that I don't believe in God. Almost immediately, they give me these flabbergasted looks of disbelieve and many have even assumed that I worship Satan, another figure that does not exist. I'm all for respecting other people's believes, but when they begin to try to indoctrinate me, I have to push back and protect my own beliefs, even if it means disproving theirs.
People shouldn't be good and do good just for the sake of getting into Heaven, or for the fear of eternal damnation in Hell. People should do good for the sake of helping out fellow man, for the sake of advancing and bettering humanity. Too many people have been killed for holding different beliefs and often times, religious leaders often condone these killings and brutality (such as the Spanish Inquisition, or more recently, Muslim clerics encouraging violence against non-Muslims). We are all human. We all laugh in the same language. We all cry in the same language. For better or for worse, we are all living on the same speck of dust, suspended in utter nothingness. We may be alone in the Universe, we may not be. Either one is a frightening thought. Regardless, we have to make the most of this time on earth, because it is infinitesimally small compared to the time we spent off this Earth. Whether we like it or not, we are all in the same struggle trying to make sense of this crazy adventure that we call life, so we might as well make the most of it while we still can.