sadness

It's a cold Thursday night and I'm huddled in a staircase of my apartment complex for fear of going home. I told my parents I was going to go catch a movie with a few friends when in reality I was going to a party down the street. Being the rebellious teenager I am, I lied to them, well aware that if I told them where I was truly going, I wouldn't be allowed to go. My only downfall was that my dad saw where I was headed and it wasn't where I told him I was going to go. He called me and told me to go home and I was about to when I saw my mom parking her car; she was just getting home from work. At that moment, I knew I couldn't go home. I'd be in such trouble if I did and I'd get the scolding of a lifetime. So instead, I opted to hide out where I currently am to enjoy this time I have alone and outside before being grounded for the rest of senior year (presumably). Does this make me a coward? (I want to see you face the wrath of an angry Mexican mom). Perhaps, but this isn't why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because while here, I got to thinking about life. In particular, how I got dumped by my crush, who also happened to be the girl I asked to prom. Come to think of it, it was actually around this time last week when it happened. She called me on the phone and broke it off with me. For the sake of integrity, I won't go into the details of why or how it went down or my reaction. Point is, me and her are no longer a "thing".
When she first told me, my tiny, prune-like heart sank like a rock. I was devastated. In part because I no longer had a prom date, but mainly because I haven't felt this way about a girl in a while. That was actually part of my downfall. In short, I was mortified. I was frustrated at myself because I felt as if I caused it to end. After some time with my thoughts and Asking my friends (Based God bless their soul) for support, I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. I shouldn't let her or this situation get me down in the dumps. After all, it's only a high school relationship and there's only about a month of school left before we graduate. After that, I'd be off to college, perhaps never to see her again. So it was for the better.
Or so I thought.
But this time alone, in this cold, cold staircase, made me think. And it got me depressed as hell. I began re-analyzing myself and asking myself why I felt such a way about a girl I barely started seriously "talking" to about a month ago. Maybe it's cause I'm a lonely human being (aren't we all?), dissatisfied with being lonely. I soon came to the realization of why.
It's because she vibed with me. I like her not for the way she dance with my angels, but for the manner in which the sound of her name quells my demons. She kept me company, but more than that, she understood and accepted who I was. And me, being the megalomaniac oddball that I am, found that extremely rare and pleasing. There's very few people, let alone girls, who have seen my flaws yet still liked me. She liked me for me. In such a universe where we feel alienated and alone dispute being surrounded by 7 billion others like us, this was comforting. Alas, I pushed my luck too far and got too comfortable. I constantly pestered her to show emotion and to hang out with me, to no avail. It just wasn't her. She wasn't the type of person to be overly affectionate and she warned me before any of this even started. I continued well aware of this yet still found myself a little frustrated at every denied plea to hangout. I was never mad at her for this, but in retrospect, it was silly of me to be frustrated or mad for something that was an innate personal trait of hers. It would have been the same as Someone getting angry at me for being intelligent, or being cocky. It is who I am and wouldn't change it for anyone. So I found myself asking "why did I expect her to change?" I guess the answer was within me all along. I enjoyed her company because she was so like me and every time I was with her, everything just felt so good, so right. I was at peace and I was happy. More than that, I felt as if I was understood and accepted, something I have long yearned for. I was just so overwhelmed with emotion, with happiness that it led me to push it too far and make more of what me and her had than she would have wanted, Which led to out falling out.
It has been a week. We haven't talked in that period of time.
I can't bring myself to text or talk to her because I feel like any advance I'd make would be unwarranted; that I would come off as annoying. Perhaps I'm right, perhaps not. It's an unfortunate state I am in. I would say hopefully things do get better and we at least start talking as friends again, but hope is futile.
In case you are reading this, just know that I do miss you dearly and I'm sorry for all I've done.